Tehilla Luttig
Tehilla Luttig
Author · Relationship & Identity Coach · Speaker
Author · Relationship & Identity Coach · Speaker
Some of the healthiest couples I know fight.
Fighting isn’t automatically the problem. Neither is silence. Plenty of healthy couples have both.
The question is what keeps happening underneath it.
Maybe you keep saying yes and then resenting that nobody noticed what it cost you. Maybe there’s a fight you could script from memory, both sides, right down to what time it ends. Maybe you’re not fighting much anymore, but somewhere between children, work, responsibilities and life, you’ve stopped feeling like the two people who chose each other.
You may think the love changed. You may think you have a communication problem. Often, what you’re seeing is the symptom rather than the whole problem.
The goal isn’t to become less emotional or easier to live with. It’s to get clear enough about what’s actually happening that their silence doesn’t automatically become a verdict on you, your no doesn’t become a whole evening, and a bad Tuesday doesn’t become evidence about your entire marriage. Just as importantly, when something really is wrong, you need to be able to see that clearly too.
Private Sessions Directly With Me
For individuals and couples who want the work focused specifically on their relationship, patterns, triggers and history.
This is where we can go deeper, and tailor the work to what is actually happening for you rather than following the curriculum.
Private work can be especially helpful if your childhood was difficult, even if you’re not sure how much it affects you now.
For people who want to learn live, ask questions and do the work in a small community.
Small, judgement-free groups where you get the teaching and tools in real time, other people asking questions you maybe hadn’t thought to ask and the relief of realizing you’re not the only one working through this stuff.
Ways to Work With Me
Quizzes
Start with a little more clarity about what’s actually happening.
My free quizzes help you understand your relationship patterns, where you may be getting stuck, and what might need attention next.
Groups
For people who want to learn live, ask questions and do the work in a small community.
Small, judgement-free groups where you get the teaching and tools in real time, other people asking questions you maybe hadn’t thought to ask and the relief of realizing you’re not the only one working through this stuff.
Some of what you call your personality is adaptation.
The anxious one. The peacekeeper. The one who shuts down. The one who handles everything. The one who needs everybody to be okay.
Some of that is simply temperament. But some of what you’ve been calling who you are may be what you learned to be or do in order to stay safe, useful, loved or out of trouble.
Those patterns usually made sense somewhere. The problem isn’t that you adapted. It’s when an old way of protecting yourself keeps making decisions in a relationship that now needs something different from you.
And your partner brought their own history into the relationship too. Two people can genuinely love each other and still keep triggering, pursuing, withdrawing, overfunctioning, defending and misunderstanding each other.
That’s where Relationship Realignment starts.
Relationship Realignment
Who we are, the emotions we’re comfortable with, and how resourced we are all affect our ability to use the tools we learn. Aligning these four pillars can realign our relationships.
The Relationship Realignment Model
After thirteen years of working with individuals and couples, the problems people bring into the room are wildly different.
The same fight every week. No fight at all. Resentment. People-pleasing. Sex disappearing. One person pursuing while the other shuts down. Feeling more like co-parents or housemates than partners. Knowing exactly what you should do and somehow doing the opposite when it matters.
Underneath all those different problems, I keep looking for the same four things.
• Identity • Emotional Intelligence • Capacity. Tools •
They aren’t four personality types, and you don’t either “have them” or you don’t. They work together, and they affect each other.
You can have excellent communication tools and be too depleted to access them. You can understand your partner beautifully while having no idea what you need. You can know exactly where a boundary should be and still be unable to tolerate somebody being unhappy when you hold it. And sometimes you’ve done all the inner work in the world and nobody has actually taught you what to say when the conversation goes sideways.
Healthy relationships need all four.
Take this free quiz to find out where to start:
The question isn’t just, “Do you know what to do?”
It’s whether you have enough of all four to actually do it when real life happens.
IDENTITY
"Can I stay connected to myself while I'm connected to you?"
Identity is knowing who you are, separate from what you learned to be or do in order to stay safe, useful, loved or out of trouble.
It means knowing what you think, feel, want, need and value, and being able to stay connected to those things even when somebody you love disagrees with you or is disappointed in you.
When identity gets shaky, it can look like saying yes when you mean no, changing a boundary because someone is upset, taking responsibility for everybody’s feelings, or becoming so good at being what everyone needs that you’re no longer quite sure what you need yourself.
Identity also shows up in how much permission you need from other people before you trust yourself. You can be very clear about what you think until someone you love reacts badly, and then suddenly start questioning whether you were unreasonable, selfish or too much. Staying connected to yourself doesn’t mean ignoring other people. It means their response doesn’t get to decide who you are.
CAPACITY
"Do I have enough available in me for 'this' right now?"
Capacity is how much you have available physically, emotionally and mentally to bring to your relationship.
Sleep, stress, work, children, hormones, health, grief, money pressure, neurodivergence, sensory overload and mental load all matter. You can know exactly what healthy communication looks like and still lose access to it when you’re running on fumes.
Capacity isn’t an excuse for harmful behaviour. It’s information.
It helps you recognise when you can stay in a difficult conversation, when you need a break, when something needs to wait, and when the bigger problem is that your life has become chronically unsustainable.
It also helps you tell the difference between a relationship that needs work and a life that is simply asking too much of the people inside it. Sometimes the conflict really does need attention. Sometimes you’re trying to have an important conversation with two exhausted nervous systems, no sleep and twelve unfinished jobs still humming in the background.
The four work together, and what is happening in one can change how the others show up. Low capacity can make emotional intelligence harder to access. A shaky sense of identity can make it difficult to hold onto what you know when someone you love reacts badly. And insight without practical skills can leave you understanding the problem beautifully and still not knowing what to do next.
That’s why I’m less interested in whether you’re “good” or “bad” at any one of these, and more interested in the picture they create together. That picture usually tells us far more about where the relationship is getting stuck, and where the work needs to start.
The Model
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
"Can I notice what's happening emotionally and stay present enough to deal with it?"
Emotional intelligence is much more than being able to name your feelings. Naming your feelings is actually the last place I'd start.
It’s being able to notice what is happening inside you before it takes over the interaction, stay with some discomfort without immediately needing to get rid of it, and take responsibility for what genuinely belongs to you.
It’s being able to hear that you’ve hurt someone without instantly defending your intention, tolerate somebody else’s disappointment without rushing to fix it, and remain curious about their experience even when it doesn’t match your own.
EQ isn’t about being calm all the time or never getting defensive. It’s being able to notice what is happening, take responsibility for what belongs to you, tolerate the discomfort that comes with that, and remain curious enough to understand what may be happening for the other person too.
TOOLS
"Do I know what to actually do?"
Tools are the practical relationship skills most of us were never explicitly taught, yet get handed by the dozen on podcasts, blogs, and sessions.
How do you bring up something difficult without attacking? Listen without immediately defending? Set and hold a boundary? Repair after a fight? Ask clearly for what you need? Take a break without abandoning the conversation? Navigate differences around sex, money, parenting, resentment or the invisible load?
Most people already have some tools and still have gaps. And tools matter enormously, but they don’t work in isolation.
A communication script won’t help much if you’re too depleted to access it. A boundary tool won’t get very far if somebody else’s disappointment makes you abandon yourself. And a repair technique is hard to use if you’re too defensive to hear what happened.
That’s why relationship work needs more than good advice.
Pricing
4 Pillars. Same Method. Different levels of support.
Communication breakdown, resentment, loneliness and the same fight on repeat are symptoms, not the problem.
Self-Study Course
$147
The Group Program
$1450 per Couple
$997 for Individuals
Learn the Relationship Realignment Method at your own pace, with the practical tools that go with it.
Do it on your own or alongside your partner. No scheduled calls, no keeping up with a group. Just a clear place to start and something useful to do with what you’re learning.
Eight weeks, live, with a small group of couples.
People often arrive a little nervous about talking about their relationship in front of other people, especially the private ones. And then one of the things they tell me they valued most was realising, we’re not the only ones who do this.
It’s a warm, judgement-free space to learn the Relationship Realignment Method, ask the questions that come up in your own relationship, and learn from the questions other couples ask too. You get the tools and teaching, but you also get the experience of being in a room with other normal couples who are working on their relationships too.
Even though the love was strong, the skills we had were not cutting it. We kept looping into the same arguments, which created tension and divide in our otherwise loving home.
Thanks to the class, we were able to see and really feel how things can change with the proper tools to communicate feelings, understand and take accountability for our individual emotions, and respect boundaries, all while not abandoning ourselves or each other.
Tehilla creates a safe space and community to share and feel connected to others going through similar struggles. She is there for you as a couple and individually through the whole process. What she has created is truly unique.”
J&J, USA
Private 1:1
This is for the individual or couple who wants help to rewire deeper issues in individual trigger work with me.
For You
$1,997.
Or $500 for a single 60 minute session.
You do this without your partner. You don't have to wait for him / her to be 'ready' before you can start changing the dynamic in your relationship.
You don’t both have to change for the pattern to change. One person stepping out of it is enough to shift what happens next.
Eight private sessions focused entirely on what is happening in your life and relationships.
This is for the person who doesn’t want a general course or group conversation because the question is more personal: Why do I keep doing this? Why can’t I hold the boundary I know I need? What is mine here? What do I actually want?
We use the Relationship Realignment work against your real week, your patterns, your triggers, your relationships and the decisions you’re trying to make.
or
Thank you for sharing your incredible gift with the world. The change that takes place is rapid and long-lasting and can be felt almost instantly.
I've strengthened and made sense of multiple relationships, starting with romantic, but moving to parental, sibling, children ... unexpected areas that have benefitted from focus and healing.
I would highly recommend your services and guidance to anyone who truly wants to heal and grow. Your ability to reveal the most vulnerable places to heal and provide awareness and self-healing tools is exceptional. Your intuitive ability is far from traditional talk-therapy, but rather a far deeper, more holistic healing process. The relationship with you has been truly life-changing.
MB, USA
For 'US'
$3,500.
Couples Intensive
$10,000.
We love each other. We just cannot keep doing this.
This is not a course.
It is four weeks of focused assessment and intervention for a couple who need someone to look properly at their relationship and work out what is driving the thing they keep getting stuck in.
We start with a thorough assessment (much more in depth than the free assessment here), including time together and time with each of you separately. The rest of the month is built from what that assessment shows us, rather than from a set curriculum.
For couples who don’t need long-term intensive work, but do want support.
When this is bigger than the same old fight. When childhood wasn't nice to one (or both of you).
This is for the relationship with more at stake.
There may have been a betrayal. Separation may have been discussed. One of you may have been checking out for a long time. Or you may keep repairing the same rupture only to find yourselves back in exactly the same place a few weeks later.
We begin with the same five-hour assessment, then have eleven weeks to work with what comes out of it. There is room here for the history, the hurt, the individual triggers and the relationship between them, without trying to squeeze something complicated into a shorter intervention.
Not sure any of these fit? Email me and tell me what’s actually going on. hello@tehillaluttig.com
Payment plans are available, please do reach out: hello@tehillaluttig.com
And South African clients can contact me for local Rand pricing.
Nothing prepared me for what happened yesterday and nothing prepared me for the way I felt when I woke up this morning. It's hard to describe, but my entire body felt light? The experience itself - is this how it usually goes? Wow! It was truly one of the most powerful, intense and significant experiences of my life.
Thank you for asking the question, thank you for working your magic and miracles and mostly, thank you for holding the safest, most compassionate space for me to go and meet that little girl, to see her and make her feel seen, to protect her and make her feel protected, to set her free and make her feel loved and bring back the possibility of joy to both her and me.
And to think that wasn't all you did for me/us these past 2 days!?! The BWRT session on Friday afternoon was in itself hugely transformative and empowering. And the reason we actually came to you... you truly helped my husband and myself to turn our approach to each other around - 180 degrees! So, whatever we decide, wherever we go from here, I know we can now approach it with love and compassion, rather than blame and resentment. And look at the past 17 years in the same way. What a gift - for us and our child. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your divine gift.
MS, RSA
Knowing your pattern isn't the same as being able to change it.
You may already know quite a lot about yourself. You know you’re anxious. You know your partner shuts down. You’ve read about attachment, listened to the podcast and saved the relationship posts.
At 10am, you can explain exactly what happens between you. Then it’s 9pm, your partner says, “I don’t want to do this now,” your chest gets hot and suddenly everything you know has disappeared.
That’s the gap.
Understanding what you do and having access to something different while you’re doing it are not the same thing. The Relationship Realignment Method is about working in that gap.
I know being here is already intimidating and the different options can be daunting. I manage my e-mail personally. Please don't hesitate to reach out and ask questions. (But because I manage it personally and have a full calendar, please be patient with response time).
hello@tehillaluttig.com
And if you haven't yet - take the alignment assessment quiz - it will give you more clarity than you perhaps expected. It's free and only takes a few minutes.