Did you know - the majority of divorces are asked for by women?
This surprised me, but it also makes sense. Women aren’t dependent on men anymore. This doesn’t mean we don’t need each other, but it get’s to be something really special out of wanting to be together instead of forced to be.
Walkaway wives is a term used to explain the phenomenon (or more accurately, just consequence) of women who leave their marriage, unwilling to settle but wanting to be happier.
Unfortunately though, many men don’t think women are serious when they say they’re unhappy or lonely. They either dismiss it as ‘she’s being too emotional’ or ‘not true’ (e.g. “We live together” / or “we have sex - what more could she want”, sort of thing). Or they try and do more, pay her more attention for a week or three, and then go back to doing what they used to (the bare minimum to keep a relationship going). Not consciously, but old habits are sneaky and easy to fall back into when we don’t pay attention, especially if we feel things are ‘safe’ again.
[NOTE: I am generalizing here. There are many men that don’t do this! And there are many women that do what the men I’m talking about here do. I understand. If you do not resonate with this, feel free to see it from the other gender perspective or move on. This is for the millions who do resonate with this].
From some husbands I’ve heard things like “at least I don’t hang out in pubs” or “I bath the kids daily” or “I’m a guy - I just don’t do emotions.” Like women should be grateful for this? When you met and fell in love, typically you could talk for hours and sharing came easily. It’s not that men aren’t able to, they’re generally not something that comes natural to them and takes more effort on their part. There could also be a pressure to ‘do it right’ or being ‘put on the spot can also make anyone struggle to talk deep. But in my experience, it’s not that they can’t.
And to be honest, I don’t think women are very good at emotions either. I think many women process facts through emotions that leads to conclusions that are fluctuating depending on their mood, and so they don’t trust themselves or their partners don’t understand them.
Most of us didn’t grow up knowing how to handle our emotions, balancing logic and feelings, and how to disagree without it meaning something is wrong with us. So one withholds theirs more and the other will likely let their emotions run over - until both erupt or shut down. But women don’t want emotional men, just someone who can get out of their head more and a little more present with her and the family.
I have seen many times in my practice men that come to me, devestated that their wives have said she’s done, and left. They say: “I knew she was unhappy, but I didn’t think it was this bad!” Or, “We’ve been fighting less and less, I thought things were actualy going better now?!” (Her withdrawal from the relationship is often in the form of withdrawal in fights too - done fighting for the relationship she’d say). Or, “I get it now. I really see how little I gave and expected from us, and I really want a chance to fix this!”
And if the wife does show up for a session it’s to ask me to help him understand it’s really over. She cares for him but there is numbness where there was love. It took years and years of her trying and feeling like she’s failing or not important enough and each failed attempt or dismissed conversation built bricks between them. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.
Signs of a walkaway wife (before she leaves):
There are ways to spot the signs, hopefully before it’s too late.
She’s mentioned she’s lonely / tired / overwhelmed / unhappy (either one of those or some of those. If it’s all of those, pay close attention to this article and reread it as necessary).
She’s asked you to go to therapy or do therapy with her.
She’s asked for you to help with the family more and you haven’t. Or you do when she asks but then only if she asks. Of if you do anything for the family (e.g. make dinner) she still has to arrange everything like what to make, or even get the groceries to make it etc).
More serious signs can be:
She’s not fighting you anymore about ‘small stuff’ like she used to. (Inside she’s given up and figures ‘what’s the point). This is danger zone for your marriage. Even when women stay when they’re reached these points, if nothing changes, they will be there but not be there. They’ve checked out.
She’s not involved and asking about you or your day anymore.
She doesn’t ask your help with the family (ps. when you have a family, it’s not help but responsibility you both took on becoming parents or signing up to be together).
She has become more distant.
She’s more devoted to her appearance.
She’s spending more time on her own doing her own thing, with friends, or hobbies etc.
For many men this can be a ‘relief’ at first. Less fights, less pressure to interact. But unfortunately it’s a very dangerous place for the marriage. She’s not fighting because she likes it, but because she believed your marriage to be worth fighting for. Her withdrawal is her withdrawal from her heart where it hurts too much to stay.
Interestingly - women are generally happier post divorce than men are. And men’s health takes a bigger knock too. So we need to pick our battles. I think many men are used to single focus and it’s more natural for them to focus on ‘providing’ and then living in their bubbles.
I’m not saying women are perfect by any means. Women need help to understand men, ask without nagging, be more confident with their needs, and allow men to have input into how the family is run too. As an example. Men are incredible beings and I believe are facing an incredibly hard time navigating masculinity without healthy role models (instead of the toxic patriarchy we all grew up with).
Our childhood certainly has a big impact on how happy we are in love, how easy we accept help, share our emotions, and how much we expect from each other. But as adults it is best for us to do the work needed to create a happier home. We get to have so so much more than our parents and their parents ever had. Men and women actually crave more romance than men tend to admit, and both like attention, respect, and connection. It’s not just a women thing, but it’s the burden of creating this that is left of many women’s shoulders that needs to change.
If you’d like to learn how to help your wife not walk away, feel free to read the blog, “What your wife really wants when she ways she’s lonely / tired / done”.
For the men wanting to learn more about how to be healthy masculine, I highly recommend:
The Way of The Superior Man (David Deida)
Masculine in Relationships (GS Youngblood)
I don’t Want to Talk About It (Terence Real)
For women who want to learn more about the differences in men and women:
The Queens Code (Alison Armstrong) (Just I want to add: It’s not all on you though)
His Brain, Her Brain (Walt & Barb Larimore)
If you felt triggered by this article, please do this defensiveness checklist before commenting. If you aren’t defensive, then feel free to share your thoughts. If you scored one or more on the checklist - please don’t respond here. Spend some time thinking about why it bothers you, who else made you feel this way, and what someone you look upto might say about this.
Written by Tehilla Luttig
Licensed Mental Health Counselor (Registered Counselor, South Africa)
The Relationship Factor Coach
Ex play-therapist now global coach helping individuals and couples reclaim their happy in love, life and relationships.
Her focus is on healing the relationships with our past and our selves, build our emotional capacity, and give clients a multi-disciplinary psychology-based toolbox.
Mom, wife, writer, speaker, counselor and coach passionate about helping us heal from the past, rebuild our emotional capacity and self-trust, and thrive in life and love.
I only recently learned about the term walk away wife and your article explains everything perfectly. Can a marriage be saved when she feels this way or is it too late?