Many men come to me perplexed that their wives are unhappy despite all they’re providing for their wives. “I work really hard, I provide a good income for our home and the kids schooling, what am I missing?” I know when couples come to see me the wives are foten soo relieved that “We are FINALLY going to get to speak about our emotions!” and men are petrified of the very same prospect.
Do women expect you to become poets, or emotional and cry daily? When they want connection does it mean they want you to have a big vocabulary of how you’re feeling and recognition of all the nuances of it?
In my experience (as counselor and wife) - no. Women don’t necessarily want that. And just because we think with our emotions - it doesn’t mean we’re really good at our emotions either. But the more they’re dismissed, or made out to be ‘too much’ the more they will be. Until she cuts off all emotions from you. (See my article on walkaway wives if you’re interested to learn more about that).
NOTE: This is a generalized article. There is ALWAYS an exception (in this case many). If the article doesn’t partain to you, good for you. But I can guarantee you there are many for which it resonates.
I think we often say “how you feeling” when we could just as easily say “what are you thinking?” The answer would be as fulfilling oftentimes. Because what we want is to bring you out of your ‘bubble’ and into the present moment where we are.
Questions like “how was that?” are not hooks to catch you out, but flags to grab your attention and bring us into your world (or you into ours).
The Gottmans call this “bids for connection”. And it means exactly what it says - it’s a bid (like in an auction) to connect. “I’m vetting for your attention because I love you and am interested in us.”
From what I’ve seen is that asking about her day, following up on things she said she’s managing or got coming up, or finding out how she is feeling - shows her interest in her life and that you are mindful of her. She feels seen by you. And that is what a woman wants! She wants to feel safe (not judged or dismissed), seen (beyond looks to what makes her tick and also what you love to see in her), and appreciated (this is part of safe and seen, but also extends to feeling valued by you).
Typically what I see is partners asking: “How was your day?” without paying attention to the answer. Either because they’re used to just hearing “fine thanks and yours?” or because they’re distracted when they ask, and asking out of ‘duty’ instead of interest.
Relationships on autopilot land up in the dumpster.
Women typically manage far more than men regards to running the house and taking care of the invisible load of parenting. Toxic patriarchy from the past also left us thinking that is’t okay for a man to just work.
But if you look at the effort you did when courting your woman, (dating her), can you see there has been a drop in effort?
When last did you compliment her?
Notice her?
Spend time wondering how she is really feeeling?
Ask her what’s stressing her the most at the moment?
Ask her what you can do for her?
Ask her how she likes to be loved?
How much time do you spend thinking of her (not what is wrong with her or why is she so ungrateful), but how special she is?
How much she does?
How much she means to you?
I’m not saying this can’t go both ways, and I will (or have, depending on when you’re reading this) write a blog on what men generally tend to need too. (Hint: it’s a lot the same. Same same just different).
This is not about tit-for-tat, fairness. If we wait for things to be fair, or she / he does it first - we are leaving a lot of happiness on the table.
To prevent having to walk on egg shells or the risk of having a walkaway wife (you can read that blog here), I suggest doing more of the following.
10 ways to connect (emotionally) to your wife without needing to be a zen master of emotions:
Accept that parenting is a two person commitment - it’s not her job that you help her out with every now and then. If she’s a SAHM (stay at home moem) then spend time discussing each others expectations. Just like you get off work sometimes she needs time off too. And just like you want to feel appreciated for what you do at work, make sure she feels appreciated too.
Look at what values you’d like your family to have. What are you doing about making sure that happens in your family?
How special do you make your wife feel? How do you know?
Do the love languages quiz and see how you each prefer to be loved. You can do the love languages test here. Ps. do this every few months, as it does change according to the needs that would mean more to each of you at the time.
Compliment her more often. Without grabbing her ass (unless she’d love you to because you don’t really touch her).
Touch her, without it leading to sex, more often. For example rubbing your hand against her body as you brush past her, hug her for longer, or put your hand on her leg when you’re driving together somewhere (and it’s safe to do). [Disclaimer: Do not do this if she has expressed she doesn’t like to be touched or want to be touched; do not necessarily do this if she has been touched all day by little kids. “Touched Out” is a real thing. If you aren’t certain in any way - ask her!]
Ask her what she needs or would make her life easier, at least once a month.
Think about how to surprise her with a gesture (like you did when dating) more often.
This is a big one: when she shares something with you, ask her if she’s sharing to vent or if you wants your help to fix it. If she just wants to vent - don’t tell her what she could have done differently. Rather grab my validation cheat sheet here!
Get therapy if you need to work on your anger, defensiveness, depression, or low commitment. I firmly believe we could all use a therapist at various points of our lives.
A happy wife can really impact the whole family dynamic and it’s easier than you think. She cares more about the effort than the thing. You don’t have to worry about creating the perfect date, or best words to woo her with - it’s not about that.
Emotionally connecting is about her feeling part of your world, her feeling seen, her feeling important to you. Your dedication at work can feel like an obvious action of your love to you, but to her it can feel like something else that’s apriority above her!
Interestingly studies have shown men to be far happier in marriages than women, and that divorced women are happier than divorced men. I hope you take this as an invitation to take your foot off the autopilot and focus on building your marriage. One little check in and hug at a time. You don’t need to be romeo, and the list I gave above - if you picked one thing a week or month to focus on - it would already make a big difference to your marriage (if you’re been neglecting your marriage).
Your doing these things doesn’t emasculate you or make her lazy. Love calls forth more love. If you want more than what your parents had - or a relationship with your kids more than you got as a kid from your parents - now it the time! We get to have it!!
Ps. if you’re a man that does this (or varying things like this) and she doesn’t appreciate it, there are numerous things that could be behind this. It could be that she is stuck in ‘survival mode’ and struggles to see (or trust) the positive others do for her. It could be depression or other mental health things. It could be that she’s entitled and needs to realise she doesn’t have you. Etc. But also, it could be be that you are the ‘feminine’ in the relationship and she’s hardened herself, living closed off ‘as a man’ typically does. In which case healing her childhood wounds and neglect would be beneficial for her and you. But whether or not she does, I still recommend you see someone to help you feel confident with your masculinity and leadership (not control).
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